The anniversary of my grandfather’s death.

The connotation of the word “anniversary” is usually happy. Well, this occasion is anything but happy. I don’t even know why you would think about the anniversary of someone’s death.

Any who, the anniversary of my grandfather’s death is tomorrow. I don’t really cry when I think about it anymore. Well, if I really think about it and think about exactly who I lost and the history and all that, then I do cry. I don’t think that I will cry tomorrow or be a mess. I don’t know if I should feel like a bad person for saying that. I mean, when he died, I watched my mom, my brother, and everyone else in the family cry. I didn’t shed a single tear that day, and whatever tears I did shed came from consecutively yawning 50 times. I cried for the first time when I had to write a poem about him and I realized exactly what he meant to me and the family. If I hear the song “Bye bye” by Mariah Carey I’ll cry.

Am I supposed to cry? Let’s see. I’ve cried 4 times since he’s died. Once writing the poem. The first time hearing that Mariah Carey song, once seeing my mom cry, and then like 2 days ago, but I was crying over something else and then he came to mind, so I was kind of like “okay. I’m already crying. Let’s let out some tears for grandpa”.

It kills me that he loved his grandchildren so damn much, and I don’t cry for him. I know he loved us, and he meant a lot to me. I loved him unconditionally, but honestly, the man spoke another language and didn’t speak a lick of English. I didn’t understand him 99.9% of the time. I felt the love, no doubt, but it’s not like we really connected. That’s why I say I love him unconditionally. He meant a lot to me, but… I don’t know. I don’t love him the way I love my other grandparents. Is that a shit thing to say? Am I being selfish because I let language be a barrier in our relationship? I DON’T FUCKING KNOW. All I know is that I don’t cry as much as I think I’m supposed to. If I’m supposed to, but don’t think that I don’t miss him. I miss him very much.

It’s hard to watch my mom wailing and still so grief stricken. Especially since I’m no good at cheering people up. I really think that when she’s crying we should only comfort her to an extent. I think that if we comfort her too much, then she’ll keep thinking it’s okay to cry. I think that since it’s been two years, it’s okay to let out some tears, but she needs to not cry every day, every night. I probably say that because he wasn’t my dad and I don’t completely understand what she feels. Especially since there were some things she never got to say because he was in Laos when he died.

So, tomorrow will be an emotional day. Can’t wait…

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